I took a few days off from blogging, being premenstrual and all. Then I googled the words Cuban Interiors because I was in the mood for traveling.
It got me thinking about all the places I will never go to. Michael Eastman did this beautiful series of Cuban Interiors.
Cuba is one of those places in the world most American will never get to visit. What a waste, what loss of beauty and experiences, how terribly inaccessible some dreams are you tell yourself. Yet you make peace with it. You tell yourself photographs will do. You will dream, imagine, and maybe even manage to convince yourself that imagining is better than an actual experience. You, then, will have entered my world.
My world is one of thoughts, self expression, analysis (analysis, dear god yes...oh the humanity!) Mine is a world of learning and feeling, and reading and trying to understand, and in some measure of intellectual risk taking. It is not, however, a world of direct physical experiences. Or very few of them.
No I'm not paraplegic. No such excuse. For example I could say without lying that traveling the world is what my heart most desires. Yet I am frozen. Traveling absolutely terrifies me. Before, during and after. I know, strange coming from a person who left her country behind to live in another, but there is it, I said it.
Unfortunately, traveling is not the only thing that terrifies me. Traveling is not the only way in which I am frozen.
Thank goodness for therapy and self help. I will not, as the French say 'spit in the soup.' Psychotherapy, in my case, was never a luxury. It was a necessity. But now I prefer self-help. I went as far as I could in therapy, and then quit after 10 years when I realized I was finally ready to feel better and walk on my own two feet. It's very hard to feel better while you are in the process of going through the gut-wrenching task of understanding yourself and your past.
At the same time I wonder if self help without some form of psychotherapy first isn't counter productive, if it's not going to make some feel worse. I worry that most likely people will read all the should and ought of self help and get discouraged because they simply don't have the will, the strength or the self knowledge to apply what they read. Even with the best intentions, the utmost desire to change. Issues of willpower and fear, after all, are hardly something you can just pop out of.
The good news is, I am not done growing, and I am not done trying and learning and struggling, and messing up. I'm not done falling, brushing off my knees and getting back up. I'm not done dreaming either.
I just thought i'd tell you, you know, being premenstrual and all...